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Bintel Brief: Lisa Loeb Says Don’t Call Your Daughter’s Boyfriend a ‘Parasite’
Dear Lisa,
My daughter, a beautiful, brilliant college graduate with a law degree and a good job is about to become engaged to a Chabadnik (who, by the way, has no job except for being what I call a lay “Jew for Moses” with Chabad).
It’s obvious that if she marries this parasite, she will become a second-class citizen and a baby factory, and I’ll never have any contact with my grandchildren, because, while we are proud Jews, we aren’t kosher and obviously don’t keep all the Shabbat commandments. (Don’t tell me I’m wrong. I’ve had other friends whose kids have drunk the Orthodox Kool Aid — this is what happens.)
How do I let her know my feelings? And don’t tell me to keep quiet! Frankly, I’d rather she married a gentile than a borderline Hasidic Jew.
FATHER KNOWS BEST
Lisa Loeb replies:
Wow. I don’t mean to disrespect you as a parent, but as a person, I’d suggest you change your tone. It’ll be tough for your daughter to listen to you at all with that attitude. It’s hard for me to even give advice to you, since it seems like you won’t be satisfied unless you break up this pair.
It sounds like you’re mostly concerned about the fact that he doesn’t have a job. I’d stick to that as the issue, instead of bringing his religious practice into the mix. You raised your daughter, right? You sound pretty committed to your own values, and you probably instilled them in her the best you could. That being said, she probably used the tools you gave her growing up to choose the man she wants to marry.
I agree that it might make things easier if she marries someone who has a profession. But is your daughter still going to practice law? Maybe she can help out with the finances. Good luck to you.
Lisa Loeb is a Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter whose hit single “Stay (I Missed You)” topped the charts. In 2006, she came out with a compilation album, “The Very Best of Lisa Loeb,” and launched her own E! reality series, “#1 Single,” which followed her as she looked for love. This month, she is revisiting her roots with a double-disc reissue of her 1992 debut, “The Purple Tape,” featuring original acoustic versions of some of her classics. She is performing on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” on January 18. She will be doing an in-store performance and signing in New York at the Columbus Circle Borders Books at 7 p.m. on January 22.
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Comments
If this father expresses his "feelings" (i.e. prejudices attached to strong emotions) to his daughter in the same manner that he wrote his letter, he can kiss his relationship with his daughter and her future family good-bye. He won't need to worry about not being able to see his daughter and grandchildren; he'll be pushing her away himself. This relationship and future family is her decision, not his.
That said, he can and should express his concrete concerns to his daughter and potential son-in-law in less drastic, more proactive terms, e.g. * financial stability of the family, * shared values of the couple, * the couple having a shared vision of their family life, incl. income, division of labor, family size, and lifestyle; and * including her father and the rest of her family in the couple's and grandchildren's lives (i.e. the fear of being shut out).
However, nothing in this letter details his daughter's current values and lifestyle. Has she already found a way to integrate a legal career with an Orthodox/observant lifestyle? Has she already expressed how she envisions her future family life that may be at odds with how her father wants her to live her life? Is this letter less about the future fiance and more about the father feeling rejected because of the choices the daughter has made for herself? This dad needs take a step back, get some prospective and then discuss his concerns with (rather than talk to) his adult daughter. She needs a supportive, calm (albeit concerned) parent who can offer guidance and wisdom, not someone who will fly off the handle because he doesn't agree with her choices.
This parent is obviously quite concerned about his daughter and is struggling to come to terms with the lifestyle she is choosing. While Lisa is of the opinion that he is most worried about the fact that his future son-in-law doesn't have a job, I'm not so sure of it. If this same young man were, say, a musician or some other artist without a job - would the father be quite as adamant?
It is obvious to me that the father has some preconceived notions (perhaps from experience) about being a religious Jew that should be clarified. Especially in Chabad, the daughter will certainly not be a "second class citizen" - Chabad women are more respected than the average American woman. They are usually the ones who lay down the law in the home - far from being the meek, helpless, housewife. Check Chabad teachings - you'll see the tremendous respect that women have. They are entrusted with the most important task of creating a beautiful and warm home, giving their chilren a high standard of education, and they are indubitably trusted with the kashrut of the home (which religious people take quite seriously), among other things. The average Chabad House has more programs made especially for women than for men.
This father is also concerned about having contact with his grandchildren. Again, especially in Chabad, there is a decidedly open attitude towards all Jews and all people. His daughter and future son-in-law are most likely to be open, respectful, and understanding of the father's current religious stance. The only intolerance, it sounds like from the letter, is of the father not allowing his children and grandchildren to practice what they believe to be good and true.
I would say the best route is for the father to be forthcoming with his concerns. Instead of approaching this from a fearful and defensive perspective, it would do him well to openly, honestly, and GENTLY share with is daughter the things that worry him. He should talk to her about his concern of not being able to see his grandchildren, along with his concern about her being financially stable. There are plenty of Chabad people who are far from being poor.
Most of all, as a self-proclaimed proud Jew, this father can be proud of the upbringing he gave his daughter, which led to her pursuing the beliefs he instilled in her and going with them all the way.
Dear Lisa,
I think your answer was short and to the point. As A Chabad Rabbi, I would like to add several points that may be beneficial to this parent and to others in similar situations: 1) This parent is reacting very emotional to a situation that feels like it is going totally out of control as is afraid of the unknown. Healthy communication and discussion would seem to be very beneficial. 2) How is his current relationship and communication with his daughter? It seems like this father does not know what are his daughter’s intentions and ambitions. 3) At times, the children were at odds with their parents before they became orthodox. The frustration that the parents have, has nothing to do with their child’s change but rather with their child! 4) I will be very honest and say that there are many Ba’alei Teshuvah who seem to think that they must cut off any and all communication with their past. I have told parents to find out who are their children’s teachers and/or rabbis and have an open conversation with the rabbis voicing their concerns. In most instances, this has worked wonders. 5) The fact that they do not eat kosher at home has nothing to do with their relationship with their daughter’s family. If they had a healthy relationship with their child previously, then it will continue. On the other hand if there were previous issues, those same issues will continue to cause problems. They issues have nothing to do with religion, rather with the personalities involved. 6) Just like the father is asking you not to judge him, he must do the same and not paint all religious Jews with one wide paintbrush. Yes, there are unfortunately those who he describes as “kids have drunk the Orthodox Kool Aid,” who act in a manner not befitting a Torah observant Jew. Respect for your parents is a mitzvah given by the same G-D who commanded us to keep Shabbos, eat kosher and al the other 613 mitzvos. Ignoring once parents is in almost every case a grave sin! No matter who your parents are, were G-D’s partner in your creation! He must look at all (orthodox) people as individuals and judge them for who they are.
Wishing you much success.
Example is a powerful tool and I would hope that any parent concerned with the choices of an adult child can remember to use this tool with great veracity. If this daughter rejects her father, it may be because her father is rejecting her. As the Reform Jewish father of one child now married to a non-Jew, one child married to an atheist-Jew and the last child in Israel married with 6 children, I have some experience with offspring getting married. Though they each chose very different paths, my children are all good people and continue to be wonderful joys in my life.
PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE PARASITE
how's that? XD
SJ http://thoughtsofasj.blogspot.com
There isn't much for this father to do. His daughter has made her decision. It's not his business at this point. I think he does have the right to tell her his concerns, but after an initial conversation, he needs to stay out. Let's hope his daughter is as smart and savvy and he says she is - she probably has considered all the positive and negatives already. And who's to say what bothers him is going to bother her? Different things are important to each person.
The father should also understand that just bec his daughter will become more hasidic, it doesn't have to mean he will never see her again - his thinking is unhealthy and extreme. If he wished to stay on good terms with her, there are ways to still love her and keep her in the family while at the same time not agreeing with politics. And bec she is a lawyer they will not have to worry abt food and shelter.
And bec she is a lawyer they will not have to worry abt food and shelter.
Right - because she'll be providing the income. Which she won't be able to do when they have half a dozen children.
Perhaps the dad could convert to Islam. He might be able to vent his anti-Semitism more freely then
cult of personalities
His daughter looks to the rebbe He looks to a grammy nominee
http://7fatcow.com/?p=2379
Dear Lisa, My daughter is a beautiful and brilliant college student who has been raised to make independent choices about the life she will lead as a productive member of society. In her adult life, she has chosen to become a devout Lubavitcher and member of a Chabad Community. Her father and I were not without out concerns for the Man she will choose to marry, but we trust her to make the best decision for herself. And we will support her, her future husband and our future grandchildren in any way that we can. I know they will not eat in our house, so we will eat in theirs. They will not celebrate holidays in our home, so we will celebrate in theirs with them. We do not consider our daughter a parasite and are greatly offended that a writer would. Shame on that writer who would rather push her daughter aside than embrace the life her daughter has chosen. I am, in my adult life, an agnostic Jew who questions everything. Everything, that is, except my daughter's life choice. For that, I admire and respect her. This is nothing over which to lose a child.
I know you hated the tone of the mom who was worried that her daughter was marrying a Chabadnik, but her fears are entirely justified, hence her tone. This is, unfortunately, a cult, and she will be likely cut off. And her daughter will be turned into a baby factory. And they will live in utter poverty. She has the facts correct. If I was in her postition, I would break in and chew his balls off with my own teeth.
1/ A Jewish woman who doesn't want a lot of grandchildren?
2/ I love watching these liberals who insist that the male must make more money than the female.
One commentator referred to "horror stories" What is the basis for that?
From the father's letter, we can't really tell whether the major concern is money or religion. The best approach is combining the points raised by Lisa and the Chabad Rabbi. The father raises some good questions, but unless he changes his inflamatory and obnoxious tone, this won't have a good ending.
It might help to make sure the parasite understands that your daughter's inheritance went to the university and the law school. Once he realizes she isn't a ticket to your bank account, he might reconsider. Also, once she thinks about how much of the family's resources have been invested in her education, she might think twice about throwing it away to be a baby factory.
How many advice-columnist commentators does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just in case, here's one more.
Can't we be constructive? There are tens of thousands of ba'al teshuvim who face this conflict. And no, I'm not talking about money--that's too simplistic. Where there's a will, there's a way. Surely most ba'al teshuvim find ways to maintain relationships with their secular families. For those who don't, shame on them.
This secular Jew makes traditional Judaism sound like a cult because it's opposed to secular Jews. So why not practice what you preach and be open to plurality within the Jewish community? This is the kind of attitude that will allow you to maintain a cordial relationship with your daughter.
Don't treat observant Jews as goyim and the goyim as landsmen. G-d forbid she should marry a goy--a mistake that's not easily correctable.
I'm the father who wrote. Very interesting comments. Thank you to those who suggeted I conver to Islam-It's very Jewish of you to make that suggestion.
The comments about money were interesting. I don't really have very much myself and intent to use it for my retirement and perhaps to put a few bucks to my grandchildren's colege unless they go to a cult school of any kind. I'm really just concerned about a child of mine in the 21st century joining what is an 18th century cult whose leader's picture is displayed in every Chabad house the way Stalin's picture was displayed in the Soviet Union. I recognize that kids must make their own choices and was asking for a suggestion. BTW I have several other children. They have married both Jew and gentiles and I like all of them. I don't like lazy fat cult members whether they live in Guyana, Brooklyn or Jerusalem.
"It’s obvious that if she marries this parasite, she will become a second-class citizen and a baby factory, and I’ll never have any contact with my grandchildren, because, while we are proud Jews, we aren’t kosher and obviously don’t keep all the Shabbat commandments. "
Why is it obvious? There is no reason to fear the Torah. There are many parents of baal teshuva who play an active role as grandparents. Your daughter can eat off paper plates when she visits and you can live without TV for 25 hours. What's the beef? Sure, it's a challenge for all to deal with the situation. But, that's what parenting is all about.
My parents are baalei-teshuvah. There are 11 of us children. We visited and were visited by all our non-religious relatives, especially our grandparents. My grandmother of blessed memory bought herself a pot to be kept kosher especially for our use, and knew where every kosher store in the vicinity was to buy food for when we visited. It's not rocket science; it's called love.
I'd say the mother should express her concerns honestly to her daughter and betrothed. Perhaps speak to a Chabad rabbi, who knows?
But telling a woman to soften her tone where there are a number of verifiable horror stories emerging from similar pairings is just ridiculous.