Every 7.5 seconds, an American turns 60. Member of the first wave of baby boomers are joining their parents in creating a demographic tipping point unprecedented in our history.
We now see the longest living, most mobile and most spiritually challenging multi-generational cohort of older adults in American history. How we respond to this challenge will go a long way toward determining the shape of religious life in the 21st century. Rituals for older adults bring substance and texture to new stages in life, and creating appropriate ones must be a part of our commitment to address extended life spans.
Perhaps no scenario captures the tensions of contemporary life better than that in which a loved one must cope with caring for a spouse who is mentally and physically confined due to dementia. While there are no exact figures for the number of baby boomers currently impacted by Alzheimer’s, it is estimated that the numbers of those suffering from the disease in this country will double or even triple by 2050 as the population ages.
This growing population of older adults face issues unique to their situation, and it is incumbent upon our community’s religious leaders to develop responses that address them.
Take, for example, the dilemma of a healthy spouse — let’s call her Sarah — caring for her husband, who is restricted to an Alzheimer’s facility. Sarah must deal with the extended institutionalization of her spouse. She cares for him with love and dignity, but also feels that he is not really her spouse.
How does Sarah handle the reality that, while on a brief respite from the demands of care giving, she met someone with whom she became friendly and intimate? She cannot discuss this with her children, or even with her circle of friends.
So Sarah asks her rabbi, “Tell me, rabbi, am I doing something wrong? I love and care for my husband. But I am a healthy 70-year-old woman, who goes to work, enjoys life and has needs. Is it wrong? Am I supposed to just put my needs on hold?”
Such a scenario is not at all fiction. I have heard versions of this story over and over again, across the country.
These real-life situations should prompt us to reinterpret the concept of adultery. The wild card of medical technology may allow those souls afflicted with Alzheimer’s to remain “alive” for years, perhaps decades. They deserve all the love and care they receive.
And yet, what of the spouse? In this scenario — one that is present in nearly every community — is the caregiver guilty of adultery?
Is it not the responsibility of our religious leaders to find ways to discuss this kind of situation?
For centuries, Judaism has searched its rich and powerful tradition in order to provide answers to the questions of the day. Is it not logical, and expected, that in order to address the dilemma of Sarah and others like her, ought we not turn to that same tradition?
In a recent class on the impact of the longevity revolution on Jewish life, rabbinical students of mine at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion began to engage the conversation of developing a response to Sarah’s scenario. They researched the possibility of adapting the biblical concept of pilegesh, or concubine, to reflect this changing of life stages. They also created documents for a couple to explore how Judaism could look at these issues in light of current medical realities.
The longevity revolution has created a variety of new life stages, and the need to create moments of ritual that support and inform them represents a fascinating and dynamic development in contemporary religious life.
We are once again confronted with the challenge of having our religion adapt to new realities. It is an opportunity to teach our values in unprecedented ways and to let our values speak to the realities of an ever-expanding life.
Rabbi Richard Address is director of the Union for Reform Judaism’s Department of Jewish Family Concerns.
For better or worse,In sickness and health,till death do us part.
My wife and I have had a great, faithful marriage over a half century. I am now her caregiver and intend to keep her with me indefinitely, or as long as possible. She is no longer capable of sexual activity. I have not faced this situation because it has not come up. I feel that each person needs to find his/her own answer, and that one's religion may serve as a guide. Judeo-Christianity seems less than clear. We are taught that thou shall not commit adultery. Christ also said let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Let's be kind and accepting of the persons who must make this decision. I could become one of them. I resppect the right of others to decide for themselves and trust that they will be as tolerant of me.
what if the alzheimer's patient who no longer remembers that they are married or think that another person is their spouse and carries on with eachother but it's school kids stuff like holding hands ext. How do you explain this to the spouse who won't let go.
This is a very complicated situation and can be a good thing. I don’t think it is a case of adultery but a chance to gain strength from a partner. By understanding this situation by both parties it can be rewarding for the patient as well as the caregiver and friend. If the relationships are good the patient will have two cargivers one primary and one seconday. This will strengthen the caregiving decision making. Most important it will give great support to the Primary caregiver. Over the long cargiving span as the patient slowly slips away the Primary caregiver has a very lonely job. There is nothing more a cargiver would want is to have their spouse return to a healthy life. This will never happen. All Primary Unpaid Cargivers can tell when the time is correct to add a companion to there life. This can be easily done with no loss of affection or support for the patient. Life goes on weather we like it or not. It is very sad that people lose there religions because of this dreaded disease. It is very good that it is being looked at and studied in a serious manner. Alzheimer’s always destroys two lives the patients and the primary caregivers. I am sure in some cases the situation can be strengthened by the caregiver choosing a good friend to help him/her during the final and ending chapter of his/her Alzheimer’s journey.
So if it's Alzheimer's it's not adultery because they are so forgetful, and thereby forgiving? It's amazing how people contort themselves to justify their desires.
What's the big deal about adultery anyway? How can someone who sees horrible things like someone suffering from Alzheimer's make a fuss over it? To me, it seems like someone who does so has no soul and lacks humanity. It's another example of religion serving to make people feel guilty about their behavior, while failing to change the behavior anyway.
I have mixed feelings on this subject,my bringing up says you marry for life till death do us part. But on the other hand I work in a dementia unit and I know first hand that the one with dementia isn't the exact person mentally they married, but you are still married. I understand people have needs be it sexual or emotional or a feeling of friendship there are ways of finding all that other than petraying a spouse.Church & religion shouldn't have anything to do with it,the church isn't GOD why should the church set standards?So everyone thinks its ok to cheat?Well we all see how the catholic priest do so its ok,just go to confession,who do they confess to? The little boys parents?
I would never have imagined being involved in this situation, I watched as a dear friend who has been married for 44 years cared for his wife in his home for six years, he retired from his job and spent the next five years by her side, caring for her, giving everything he had physically and emotionally, reluctantly he had to let her go into care when the physical burden of her care became too much, he spends most of the day with her still feeding her, sitting with her and watching over her. Does he love her still, there is no doubt, is it wrong for him to want to have someone to talk to, turn to? Should someone wait until the loved ones life is over before allowing themselves a chance at happiness, fate didnt wait till he was ready to deal him this life he has been leading for the past six years. It will be incredibly hard to let go when the times comes and his wife passes, if I can be there for him to offer him some comfort, some friendship I will be, I dont believe on judgement day, or on any other day God or any man has any right to criticize, a person must be true to themselves and be able to live with their choices.
What is it that we "fall in love" with? Careful how you answer. If your answer is anything other than "my partner's mind" then you are not on the best of footings for your marriage/relationship. So when the mind flickers, fades & dies, what do you have left? Friends of mine went through this and had to find answers in similar veins as Sarah's example. "Death do us part" is a secular construction.
Yes, according to the Bible, it is adultry. However, as Christians we are not to judge, that is God's job. I do think the answer lies within prayer. If we will uphold all God's standards for our life and have faith that He will respond in His timing, the answers will come. In the case of this desprite Caregiver...Possibly she would have obtained peace, joy, and contentment in her heart and life if she would have waited on God's answer for her. (I understand that sometimes we can wait a life-time, but that is God's call, not ours!) I certainly do not throw stones, Jesus showed us that's not the way... rather, keep a close watch on our own problems and struggles. We may not always understand, but those struggles are there for a reason. With His love and wisdom, we can learn how to endure the most difficult tasks life throws at us and continue to grow in grace while at the same time have joy in our hearts. I hope this Caregiver finds peace and joy in her heart.
My husband has dementia and I took care of him at home for 3 years and he is now in an assisted living private home. I married my husband for better or for worse and it has become worse. I do not wish to do anything that would hinder my relationship with God and cause me to later feel guilty because I broke my vows. I have a friend who lost her husband to Alzheimers and set out to only take the very best care of him that she could. She has said she is so glad she only lived for her husband while he was alive. She now has a wonderful relationship with a man. I don't know if this will help. Take your problem directly to God and lay it at his feet and ask him what you should do. He will give you an answer. I can only say how I personally feel.
UNLIKE OUR SISTER RELIGION CHRISTIANITY,JUDAISM, AS I VIEW IT, IS A RELIGION OF THE HERE AND NOW RATHER THE HEREAFTER. IF THIS BE TRUE THEN MODERN MAN'S PROBLEMS MUST BE DEALT WITH AS DID OUR FOREFATHERS IN THEIR DAY. THEY TOO COPED WITH AND DECIDED ON A PRACTICAL SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEMS THEY FACED. SO THIS DILEMMA WILL IN ALL PROBABILITY RESULT IN DIFFERENT APPROACHES AS TO HOW TO HANDLE THE PROBLEM. THE ORTHODOX WILL COME TO ONE CONCLUSION BASED ON THEIR INTERPRETATION OF THE TORAH AND TALMUD WHEREAS THE RECONSTRUCRIONISTS, CONSERVATIVE REFORM AND EVEN THE SECULAR JEWS WILL IN ALL PROBILITY ARRIVE AT VARIOUS OTHER WAYS OF HANDLING THE PROBLEM. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNEDAS LONG AS IT SATISFIES THEIR NEEDS AND BE JUSTIFIED BY THE INTERPRETATION OF JEWISH LAW S WWELL AS MODERN MEDICAL SCIENCE,FINE AND DANDY. WE SHOULD NOT OUR CHRISTIAN OR MOSLEM BRETHREN. IN MY HUMBLE OPINION TO DO SO WOULD MAKE A MOCKERY OF OUR BASIC CORE BELIEFS. I PERSONALLY VIEW EVERY PERSON WHO CLAIMS TO BE JEWISHAS JEWISH. BUT I DO DRAWW THE LINE AT TRYING TO PLACATE OUR CHRISTIAN AND MOSLEM NEIGHBORS BY IMITATIONG THEM IN THEIR INTERPRETATION OF WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM BUT ALSO WHAAT IS BEST FOR THE JEWISH PEOPLE AND THE REST OF THE GENERAL POPULATION.IN MY OPINION IT TOOK A LOT OF COURAGE TO PUT FORTH A POINT OF VIEW WHICH WILL I SURE WILL INCENSE CERTAIN PARTS OF THE POPULARTION.
LOL! Evidently her husband isn't the only one with dementia. If I were 70 I wouldn't admit any of this to myself much less to a counselor who put it on the internet for the whole world to read! How does the Rabbi keep a straight face through all of this?!
As a Psychiatrist I'm confronted with such issues on a daily basis. Alzheimer's obviously a no life, no death situation. Caring for the person is of utmost importance for the spouse, but what about his/hers needs of intimacy and caring? I believe psychological points and moral issues such be adressed, and yet , what about the caretakers needs?
the comments posted here seem to be from a chrisdtian perspective; i wont comment on them, cause, as a jew, itsd not up to me to tell others how to keep their religion. however, as a jew, i find tremendous offense at rabbi address's faulty analysis. the example given, of a concubine, applies only for the man to have an "outside relief"; the bible does not provide it for the woman. it may sound sexist, but this is how we believe in our religion. and further, if we allow for a concubine in this case, what about in other cases? for example, i have a good friend, whose (ex)wife is just not cut out for "traditional wifely duties" (to put it simply, but i dont mean sex). perhaps she can hook up with someone who's wife, for example is infertile. perhaps they can have children this way? would rabbi address approve. just one of many implications of a "concubine" arrangement. but it only applies to the man (to have a concubine), not the woman (to be a concubine to another).
I think no one should begin to believe they understand this situation if they have not lived with it themselves. My wife, a victim of a non-Alzheimer's dementia, has not known who I was for over a year. This was preceded by many years of a disintegrating relationship that provided little or no companionship for me. I am still young and desire to continue traveling and being a part of the social world. I have found a wonderful and understanding women who has suffered equivalent tragedy in her life and together we are able to cope with our lives in ways neither of us could alone. My daughters (in their thirties) were at first cool to the idea, but have come to recognize my newfound happiness and its deep effect on my life. Is there anyone so out of touch with reality who could not see the many blessings for all in this new relationship? Including my wife who I am sure at some level benefits from my new energy, positive view of life and more frequent visits at her care facility.
Yes she has to remain celibate because she is a married woman. Marriage is not a conditional contract that you will stay with someone when they are healthy but leave when they are sick. Such a person when caught should lose all rights to the family assets. Every penny ever saved should contribute to the support of the ill spouse. The adulterer can go live off the earnings of their lover.
I believe there is a basic need for intimacy, sexual intimacy being just one facet of this closeness. Advances in medicine have created situations to which our Jewish tradition must speak. The category of pilegesh is not an way to release a spouse from his/her bonds of love and responsibility. Instead it provides Jews in unforseen circumstances a way to get the intimacy that they need and desire. Judaism continues to evolve because of a need in the community. We must turn the Torah over and over again finding just ways to live our lives. Would it be just to banish Jews in such a difficult situation to a life of loneliness and pain? Discussing issues such as these is the responsible thing to be doing. It is not a "black and white" issue.
Under any circumstances, it's adultery unless you've divorced or your spouse has died. In the meanwhile, you can get love, support, and affection from other family members, your friends, and your pets. And if the "needs" this article mentions are sexual, you can get a vibrator.
Of course i cant say that i have an answer 100% sure, but Jesus said that you should never ever divorce, but because we are so stubborn and hard headed, we can divorce if the parter commits sexual immorality (unsure as to what that entails), but then you can never remarry . This scenario is crucial because here is a case of a person being blameless (the person getting cheated on) and still not being able to remarry. so this kinda answers the question as to how G-D (for my jewish friends) may feel about this even if its not your fault and you didnt do anything wrong (i.e your partner getting this mental illness,why should you suffer) . I can also see how it could be allowed, but i just thought of that point to make. My advice would be to pray,you can never go wrong in deciding to pray .
In short, the answer is, "Yes." But I am not without empathy. This situation would be extremely tough for anyone to take, especially a man or woman who has had all of their needs met by a single person for his or her whole life. Many others have commented that when you marry you take a vow. "In sickness and in health..." It remains true no matter what condition develops. And to break it is to break it. Now, you may make yourself feel better by saying that the vow no longer applies... In my opinion the only way for that vow to be void is a lawful divorce after the spouse has committed sexual immorality, as Paul mentions. Far more dangerous than the idea that adultery might not be adultery is the concept of taking the scriptures by which you govern yourself and forming their instructions around your particular situation. Adapting Biblical concepts to support our actions is a bad idea. It paves the way for things like genocide. Instead we ought to all deduce conclusions from what the Bible says is right or wrong.
if one partner commited adultry, is it not a sin for the other spouce to have sex with someone other than their partner?
These issues and more are dealt with daily on my website, www.thealzheimerspouse.com It is a place of comfort, understanding, and support for spouses of Alzheimer patients. Only those who have walked in our shoes could possibly understand what we endure. joan@thealzheimerspouse.com
my wife has had alzheimers for a couple of years. her mother has had it for 15-20 years. she's 93. my wife cant remember an hour ago. she's totally gone . i'm afraid she will get in an auto accident since she doesnt know what the day is or her whereabouts . plz advise me i am desparate. george
My husband has had alzheimer's for 8 1/2 years. Until a year ago, he was cared for at home. I love him very much, but the man I loved and lived with is gone. He still breathes, but the man I knew is gone. I was always faithful to him. 6 months ago, I was so terribly lonely, I just cried all the time. I would go see him, and cry all the way home. Then a very kind and loving man from my church, started calling me just to see how I was. This has developed into the most beautiful relationship I have ever had. Do I feel guilty? No. I will always remember the man my husband was and will always love him. But that man is gone. I continue to see my husband and I continue to cry over him. And knowing my husband, he would say, Go for it! He would want me to go on with life. Indians used to have an expression that said something like, until you have walked in another person's footsteps, you can't complain. That's the gist of it. Basically, a person must do what is right for them. I am not living with my friend and won't do so. We talk on the telephone many times a day, we go out to eat, and we go places together. He has become my best friend. Maybe my age makes a difference - I am only 63.
Please help me with this question. Is there such a thing as a man cheating or committing adultery because he claims that he has not had a husband wife relationship? First my husband claimed we were not husband and wife since 2003, then he said it was since 1999, now he says since 1982. We had a husband wife relationship up to May of 2008. He took off to Huntsville, TX was gone two months, came back, took off again for a month. I haven't seen him since August of 2008. He calls about once a month to talk about our divorce. I'm trying to put the pieces together (adultery, depression, lying, or is he suffering from alzheimer's disease). His Uncle had alzheimers at the age of 60 yrs. He filed for divorce in August of 2008 and his lies were killing me. Finally yesterday in court he gave the woman's name of where he was staying with for the summer of 2008. Why is it that he can remember some things and not others. As far as I know he has not gone to see a doctor about this. He will be 60 years in May 2009. We've been married for 40 years. The only case I know about cheating is Sanda Day O'connors alzheimer's husband. Sincerely Marie
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