I was born in Israel, on Kibbutz Nachshon. Driving from Nachshon on the road up to Jerusalem, you pass Latrun, where Joshua defeated the Amorites, Judah Maccabee won his first battle and Ariel Sharon fought to break the 1948 blockade of the holy city. History is everywhere in Israel, and it’s very much alive.
In 1975, when I was 2, my parents moved to America, where I would spend most of my childhood. At age 18, I made what was, in retrospect, the first adult decision of my life: Instead of going to college with my friends, I chose to make aliyah, to join the Israeli army. I did so not out a sense of adventure or gung-ho militarism, but out of a deep commitment to Israel’s security and a willingness to put myself at risk to defend that security. I served with the Givati Brigade, seeing combat in Lebanon, and was proud to become a part of that living history.
Recently I took another kind of risk, but for the very same reason.
I chose to leave a great job as the Washington director for a wonderful and well-respected organization, the Jewish Council for Public Affairs, to join the new pro-Israel, pro-peace advocacy group J Street. Not everyone in the Jewish community, my professional home for more than a decade, is familiar with J Street yet, and some are uncomfortable with it.
But I take this step with tremendous conviction, because I believe that we are living at a critical moment for Israel and that we must — I must — do everything possible to work toward achieving the still-elusive peace that is unquestionably necessary to bringing her real security and prosperity.
There is strong support for Israel here in the United States. But there are also legitimate questions that deserve thoughtful answers.
In the past year in particular I’ve heard a recurring question from pulpit rabbis and federation executives, student leaders and the unaffiliated. They are grappling with the question of how to reconcile their love and support for Israel with their discomfort about settlement policy and other political realities. Their heads support a strong American role in helping Israel make peace with its neighbors, but their kishkes are uncomfortable with the idea of anyone “telling Israel what to do.”
But we’re in a unique moment with President Obama in the White House. Here is a strongly pro-Israel leader who understands that the Arab-Israeli conflict must be actively resolved, not treated as a zero-sum game or an acceptable status quo to be managed.
Indeed, there really isn’t such a thing as a “status quo” — there is moving forward, or moving backward. There is moving toward a better tomorrow, or sliding back toward greater violence, more tears, more pain. Every additional death makes a solution less possible; every rocket fired and every settlement expansion builds hatred and mistrust and moves us further from peace.
What President Obama understands best, however, is that we’re running out of time. If we want to see Israel secure and thriving, we have to act quickly. If we don’t start moving forward with real urgency, we’re likely to move so far backward that a two-state solution will be impossible.
I’m not telling Israel what to do. What I am trying to do by joining J Street is to create the political support in this country for Israel to finally do what its citizens, soldiers and supporters have always longed for: make peace with its neighbors, and disperse the clouds of war that for so long have darkened its horizons.
It’s time for the American Jewish community to step out of the Israel closet and say: “We love Israel, but that doesn’t mean we’ll remain silent when we disagree.” It’s time for all of us who grew up loving Israel and praying for peace to stop letting the mythical notion that American Jews speak with a single voice keep us from supporting Israel’s security and future by calling for peace.
My 7-year-old son asked me to explain the difference between my old job and my new job. When I finished and asked him if he understood, he said, “Abba, your old job was to try and help people who need help for all kinds of things. Now you’re going to help Israel so that no one else has to fight in wars like you did.”
Sometimes it takes a child’s wisdom to really make things clear.
Hadar Susskind is the incoming director of policy and strategy at J Street.
That's a very beautiful story. Only it has a sad ending. No, not the one at the end of the page, the one that you'll see at the end of your fantasy of Obama offering a "unique opportunity." Obama and all the king's men can't bring Israel what you think he can. Very sadly, all of the intentions of this effort; yes, the one that J Street so naively pursues, will be dashed. I wouldn't even object if such a valiant effort were made and it didn't accomplished what was hoped. But, the reason why your story has a sad ending, is because in this endeavor of yours, J Street's and Barack Obama's, the peace that simply can't be realized because of the incivility and pathological hostility of the Peoples that surround Israel and she will have been seriously harmed in the process.
The column is aptly titled, but incomplete. It should be completed to read: Making a Turn Onto J Street -- a dead end
Let me tell you another story. There was once a brave and smart officer who distinguished himself in the Continental Army during the US Revolutionary War. According to Wikipedia "He distinguished himself early in the war through acts of cunning and bravery. His many successful actions included the Capture of Fort Ticonderoga in 1775, successful defensive and delaying tactics while losing the Battle of Valcour Island on Lake Champlain in 1776, the Battle of Ridgefield, Connecticut (after which he was promoted to Major General), and the pivotal Battles of Saratoga in 1777, in which he suffered leg injuries that effectively ended his combat career for several years.
In spite of his success, he was passed over for promotion by the Continental Congress while other general officers took credit for his many accomplishments.[4] Charges of corruption were brought by political adversaries, and Congress investigated his accounts, finding he owed it money after he had spent much of his own money on the war effort. Frustrated, bitter, and strongly opposed to the new American alliance with France, Arnold decided to change sides in 1779. In July 1780, he sought and obtained command of West Point in order to surrender it to the British" His name was Benedict Arnold
while General Arnold had real grievances, you just want to make a buck of the misery of other Jews. Because of the efforts of your kind, Israel has to fight a war every 2 years instead of every 7-8 years
Win-win solution is no longer possible; because of the inhumane solution had already been imposed in '17 on innocent pal'ns. After all, only three solutions appear available in any interethnic-intercultish conflict: humane, political, and military one.
The multiethnicity with talmudic-mosheic cult selected a military solution. Thus, a political win-win solution had been forever occluded. Now, of course, the multiethnic humans, armed with a perilous cult to self and others, lament world's rejection of that military solution; either forever or until multicolored people agree to a still-posible s'mwhat a win-win result or a catastrophe befalls them; such as another military solution! tnx
Good for you. Good for J Street. Save us from the crazies!
J Street fought the Senate resolution last month requesting that Arab states recognize Israel. They feel that improving relations should be dependent on Israel's settlement activity, and should not occur just because Israel exists and is a nation like any other. Are Israel's human rights abuses in the territories greater than those that China or Russia practice daily - actions that J Street do not consider to be worthy of diplomatic isolation? J Street "pro-Israel"?? The hypocrisy is breathtaking. By the way, along with Ms. Susskind, a vast 4% of Israelis view Obama as pro-Israel. 51% of Israelis characterize him as pro-Palestinian (see http://www.voanews.com/english/2009-08-29-voa25.cfm). But of course, only J Street truly understands what will keep Israel "secure and thriving".
So glad to see you will be doing the hard work for peace in the region. So sad, that so many view the effort as either fruitless or treasonous.
To have peace in Israel would mean that both sides, the Israelis and the Palestinians, must agree to work towards obtaining that peace. It seems to me that Israel has been the one doing all the working or giving. When they gave back Gaza, the Palestinians, it seems were just closer to shell further into Israel. It seems to me the only peace deal they are willing to accept is the complete destruction of Israel as a Nation.
J Street fought the Senate resolution last month requesting that Arab states recognize Israel. They feel that improving relations should be dependent on Israel's settlement activity, and should not occur just because Israel exists and is a nation like any other. Are Israel's human rights abuses in the territories greater than those that China or Russia practice daily - actions that J Street do not consider to be worthy of diplomatic isolation? J Street "pro-Israel"?? The hypocrisy is breathtaking. By the way, along with Ms. Susskind, a vast 4% of Israelis view Obama as pro-Israel. 51% of Israelis characterize him as pro-Palestinian (see http://www.voanews.com/english/2009-08-29-voa25.cfm). But of course, only J Street truly understands what will keep Israel "secure and thriving".
J Street fought the Senate resolution last month requesting that Arab states recognize Israel. They feel that improving relations should be dependent on Israel's settlement activity, and should not occur just because Israel exists and is a nation like any other. Are Israel's human rights abuses in the territories greater than those that China or Russia practice daily - actions that J Street do not consider to be worthy of diplomatic isolation? J Street "pro-Israel"?? The hypocrisy is breathtaking. By the way, along with Ms. Susskind, a vast 4% of Israelis view Obama as pro-Israel. 51% of Israelis characterize him as pro-Palestinian (see http://www.voanews.com/english/2009-08-29-voa25.cfm). But of course, only J Street truly understands what will keep Israel "secure and thriving".
J Street is doing a good job under circumstances when the status quo sees no peace and makes no effort in finding peace. On the contrary Israel continues to do things that moves the situation more complicated and moves it away from peace. It is great to see J Street standing up against long time large organisation who never finds any fault of the Israeli government. Furthermore these organisations tow the israeli government's line and undermine peace efforts by the US.
J’accuse!
I accuse the Forward of being a virulent extreme left anti-Israel propagandist, allied with the enemies of the Jewish State of Israel and the Jewish people, like George Soros funded J Street.
I accuse the Forward of seeking to weaken American Jewish support for the Jewish State of Israel, and to weaken American support for Israel.
I accuse the Forward of playing leftist parochial "progressive" political games with Israel's safety.
I accuse the Forward of refusing to decry the most anti-Israel president in history, of refusing to stand up for Israel when it is attacked and demonized, of refusing to stand up for Israel when Iran is on the verge of obtaining a nuclear weapon with which to incinerate Israel and cause a second Holocaust.
I accuse the Forward of publishing every virulent anti-Israel crackpot, of repeating every anti-Israel libel, of being Israel's enemy in America.
The difference between Hadar Susskind and Frank:
Susskind made aliyah and served in the Israeli army.
Susskind made aliyah and served in the Israeli army...so did Benedict Arnold, who made it to Major General before he betrayed his country. Army service does not automatically excuse what the person does afterward. Susskind needs to ask whether what she is doing now cancels out the good work that she did in the army
The Israelis who betrayed their country are the ones responsible for what is described in this BBC story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfT4QrqOnYM
Here are some Israeli soldiers who fought in combat more courageously than Frank and Scott Smythe ever saw in the movies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llc977kNO7c&feature=related
I challenge you to sit at your computer from the safety of Brooklyn (or wherever) and call them "traitors".
You wouldn't dare.
So Norman, et al, You don't live in Israel, You don't serve in Zahal, your children are not going to be drafted. You have no skin in the game. Whats your interest?
Excuse me, Norman. I meant "Frank, et al". My apologies.
So Frank, et al, You don't live in Israel, You don't serve in Zahal, your children are not going to be drafted. You have no skin in the game. Whats your interest?
So Shoded, You don't live in Israel, You don't serve in Zahal, your children are not going to be drafted. You have no skin in the game. Whats your interest?
I'm not getting into a pissing contest with a eunuch. Can you answer the question or not? I'll take any other answer as an admission that you either cannot or will not. I hold a Teudat Zahout (citizenship card) and a Pinhas Hoger (record of military service). Do you? My son is an Israeli citizen as is his mother.
"They are grappling with the question of how to reconcile their love and support for Israel with their discomfort about settlement policy and other political realities."
The best way I have figured out how to deal with this is to think about how I as a citizen of the U.S. grapple with my love of my country and my discontent with my country's presence in Iraq and Afghanistan. I do not agree with these policies and am allowed to do so and not be considered un American. Also, as I look back at how we won the west through the displacement of the Native Americans, I also am not proud. Our history of slavery is a very dark stain on our country. Yet, despite it all I support and love the US.
I'm also a strong supporter of Israel. I get angry at what is taking place in the West Bank and Gaza and yet that never changes my mind about my support for Israel. We must not allow lobbyists or those on the political right to ever bully us into a 'my country right or wrong' mentality that conflates a love of country with a blind acceptance of all its actions and policies. Israel and the US are nations run by humans. As such, each is fallible. That being said, Long live Israel and long live the US. Now let's set about getting both nations to live up to the best of what is in them.
I certainly agree with Susskind that the JStreet supporters have the childlike naivite of a 7 year old.
He was a Givati? Interesting. Their specialty are amphibious operations. The Givatim were the ones who landed on that beach right above the mouth of the Litani during Peace for Galillee. Mean bastards who were knee deep in the shit right up until the end. I don't know Dave. I don't see naivity coming from this guy. More like the good sense that comes from too many maimed and dead friends by nearly having your own ass shot off once too many times. His efforts to spare his son the experience is admirable, the bloodlust of certain members of the tribe notwithstanding.
So now you can take any antiIsraeli position you'd like, from supporting boycotts to divestment, just so you label yourself "pro Israel". Yes, Soros is brilliant. And yes, Jews are stupid.
Hi, Shoded Yam. Good to see you again. Frank et al. are strangely silent when you show up. That alone makes me glad to see you.
I can't match your style, but I enjoy reading it.
On the Givati, that sounds right. The Givati brigade came up a lot in the human rights reports -- shooting Palestinian journalists, etc.
"...So now you can take any antiIsraeli position you'd like, from supporting boycotts to divestment, just so you label yourself "pro Israel"
So if I understand you correctly, what you are saying is that to be Pro-Settlements, Pro Likud, Pro Kahane, Anti-Ethiopian, Pro Child Molestation, Mysogynistic, etc, etc is to be Pro-Israel. Thats incorrect. What that is, is an attempt to conflate the needs of a vocal, ignorant minority with those of the majority. Despite the rights proclivity to style its recent electoral victory as an affirmation of the righteousness of its cause, the majority of Israelis are not buying into the agenda. The victory was based on security concerns, rather than as a sign of support for the social and political agenda of a bunch of theo fascists and malcontents, who's warehousing in the west bank is considered essential. Because you know, who wants to live next door to Rivka and Yankel, with their talmud thumping and their 6 screaming brats living next door to them in Ramat Aviv.
jonas,
You misrepresent us. We can't take *any* anti-Israeli position we want.
We can say that this is wrong, and we must do anything we can to stop it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfT4QrqOnYM
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/7843307.stm http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7831588.stm
If boycotts, divestments and ending U.S. aid will stop it, we should do that, since we've tried everything else and that hasn't worked.
Yes, people who are trying to stop Israel from getting any more of this blood on their hands are pro-Israel.
Can you take any pro-Israel position you want? Do you have a right to defend actions like this? Do you have a right to remain silent about it?
Norman,
"...On the Givati, that sounds right. The Givati brigade came up a lot in the human rights reports -- shooting Palestinian journalists, etc."
Having very little knowledge of the present-day "Chativat Givati"(Givati Brigade), and without doubting your veracity, I can't speak to that. However, having served with them in the "ritsuat bitachon" (the former security belt in southern lebanon) back in the 80's, I can attest to their "chayalute"(military skills)and courage during that conflict.
"..I can't match your style, but I enjoy reading it."
Don't sell yourself short. You do very well. Believe me. Everytime you bring up the gaping hole in Franks character, quantified by not ever having served in a military formation while exhorting others to do so, another skid mark appears in his boxers.
Kol Hakavod L'Cha
SY
Frank,
Got that Pinhas Hoger I asked you about? No? How about a citizenship card? Not that either, huh? So then why is an American Jew from the comfort of his Lazy-Boy, so willing to shed my kids blood for a cause that he's not willing to shed his blood for?
Here's the New York Times story on J Street:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/magazine/13JStreet-t.html The New York Times September 13, 2009 The New Israel Lobby By JAMES TRAUB
Ben-Ami said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel. You don’t have to be noncritical. You don’t have to adopt the party line. It’s not, ‘Israel, right or wrong.’ ”
...
The watchword, says J. J. Goldberg, editorial director of The Forward, the Jewish weekly, was, “We stick with Israel regardless of our own judgment.”
...
Martin Indyk: “In the Bush years, when Israel enjoyed a blank check, increasing numbers of people in the Jewish and pro-Israel community began to wonder, If this was the best president Israel ever had, how come Israel’s circumstances seemed to be deteriorating so rapidly?”
...
“You know what these guys are afraid of?” says M. J. Rosenberg, Washington director of the Israel Policy Forum. “Their generation is disappearing. All the old Jewish people in senior-citizen homes speaking Yiddish are dying — and they’re being replaced by 60-year-old Woodstock types.”
...
American Jews opposed further Israeli settlements (60 percent to 40 percent), that they overwhelmingly supported the proposition that the U.S. should be actively engaged in the peace process even if that entailed “publicly stating its disagreements with both the Israelis and the Arabs” and that they strongly supported doing so even when the premise was revised to “publicly stating its disagreements with Israel.”
J Street is allegedly pro-Israel and pro-peace.
Ben-Ami said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel."
He got that right. He is also trying to redefine what it means to be pro-peace. A peace that entails rolling back the re-establishment of the Jewish state is not peace at all but just kicking the can down the road. What is needed is a Final Status Solution, i.e. a relentless assertion of Jewish identity and sovereignty over historic Israel/Palestine in its fullest extent.
To do that we have to stop denying historic truth for cushy jobs and passing political gains. Israel is not stolen. Palestine is not 'Arab' (in spite of Saddam Hussein's dramatic dying words and Osama bin Ladin's cheap pandering).
Breaking News: William B. Ziff's groundbreaking book "The Rape of [Jewish] Palestine has just been republished by Martino Publishing in August 2009, and is available from them or Amazon, Barnes and Noble etc. This book is the grandfather of all such books as 'From Time Immemorial' (Peters), and 'Battleground: Fact and Fantasy in Palestine' (Katz). It was banned by Britain in Palestine and has been suppressed since 1938. It should be required reading for all Jews and especially for the Norman and Yored Yam and J Street and Rahm Emanuel and President Obama.
The 'settlers' are the last true Zionists.
J Street is allegedly pro-Israel and pro-peace.
Ben-Ami said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel."
He got that right. He is also trying to redefine what it means to be pro-peace. A peace that entails rolling back the re-establishment of the Jewish state is not peace at all but just kicking the can down the road. What is needed is a Final Status Solution, i.e. a relentless assertion of Jewish identity and sovereignty over historic Israel/Palestine in its fullest extent.
To do that we have to stop denying historic truth for cushy jobs and passing political gains. Israel is not stolen. Palestine is not 'Arab' (in spite of Saddam Hussein's dramatic dying words and Osama bin Ladin's cheap pandering).
Breaking News: William B. Ziff's groundbreaking book "The Rape of [Jewish] Palestine has just been republished by Martino Publishing in August 2009, and is available from them or Amazon, Barnes and Noble etc. This book is the grandfather of all such books as 'From Time Immemorial' (Peters), and 'Battleground: Fact and Fantasy in Palestine' (Katz). It was banned by Britain in Palestine and has been suppressed since 1938. It should be required reading for all Jews and especially for the Norman and Yored Yam and J Street and Rahm Emanuel and President Obama.
The 'settlers' are the last true Zionists.
Joseph Goebbles said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel." The Soros' Kapos said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel." The extremist "progressive" anti-Israel propagandists said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel." The terrorist supporters said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel." George Orwell said: “We’re trying to redefine what it means to be pro-Israel." The most vile anti-Semitic self-hating anti-Semitic "Jewish" propagandists said: .....
The Forward has a virtual arab/Nazi/KKK rally here. But it is not suprising to see the extremist far-left anti-Israel "Jewish" Forward - a propaganda front for the vile faux-"Jewish" domestic enemy of Israel (Soros and arab funded) "J Street", whose creation and agenda is to attack and destroy American support for the Jewish State of Israel, for drawing so many Jew haters. Like flies to dung.
To clarify a point that Ben Plonie made: The West Bank *is* stolen.
In 1967, the Israeli foreign ministry's legal adviser, Theodor Meron, advised the government in a top-secret memo that occupying the West Bank was unequivocally a violation of international law, http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/10/opinion/10gorenberg.html
The settlements violated the Fifth Geneva Convention -- the very laws that were created after the World War II at the urging of Jews to prevent anyone else from doing what the Nazis did to the Jews.
The Arab League realizes this. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/opinion /13turki.html They've repeatedly been offering peace on the terms defined by international law. Israeli governments have repeatedly refused.
It's politically impossible for Israeli governments to defy the settlers, even if that will cost Jewish lives. If the Obama Administration puts enough pressure on Netanyahu, as they seem to be doing, we can have peace, and save Jewish lives.
There is no such thing as a Teudat Zahout and a Pinhas Hoger. I googled them and just came up with Shoded's ramblings on another website
Frank,
How you doing in that old-age home? Do they give you enough diapers? Does Norman Podhoretz still visit you?
Ah Rifka,
So nice to see you again. Whats the matter? Got bored over at the God Blog?
"What is needed is a Final Status Solution, i.e. a relentless assertion of Jewish identity and sovereignty over historic Israel/Palestine in its fullest extent."
Great idea. So when are you and Frank going to make aliyah to actualize the concept? Or are you, like the rest of your friends, going to sit at home or in the back pew of the shtiebel exhorting others to shed their blood or the blood of their children for something you are not willing to do yourself? As far as the settlers are concerned, when the villas are no longer sold with an interset free mortgage, when their utilities and social services are no longer subsidized, when make-work employment is no longer being distributed to the erstwhile denizens of Chelm, we'll see whether their so-called "zionist fervor" can stand the strain.
"Final Status Solution" or Final Solution? Freud would have a field day.
I was asked to study with a married woman who wanted to hear the Jewish view on love and marriage.
I started by showing her a quote by Stephen Covey, where he eloquently describes what he answered someone who asked him about his failing marriage:
“My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to have. I guess I don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” I inquired.
“That’s right” he reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”
“Love her.” I replied.
“I told you, the feeling of love just isn’t there anymore.”
“Love her.”
“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”
“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there that’s a good reason to love her.”
“But how do you love when you don’t love?”
“My friend, love is a verb. Love -- the feeling -- is a fruit of love -- the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”
The woman I was learning with asked, “But if you get to the point where you don’t love anymore, isn’t it just too late?”
If love is a verb, it's never too late. “That's the point Stephen Covey is trying to make," I replied. "If love is a verb, there’s no 'too late.' It’s a constant choice. If you don’t feel the love anymore, that is exactly the indication that we need to choose to act the love and see what happens.”
The Torah tells us that we are expected to love our fellow, to love God -- if love was just a feeling, how could this be a commandment? Obviously, there is an act that we can choose to do and this act should bring about the feeling of love.
“So do you choose to love every day?” she asked me.
I was taken off guard. “Uh, me personally?”
“Yeah, you.”
My first inclination was to point out all the giving, sacrificing and time investment that women naturally put into their marriages just by virtue of the housework that often falls their way. If loving is synonymous with giving, then how about all those loads of laundry, dinners, Shabbat meals, hosting, serving, dishwashing, taking care of our children, shopping I’ve been doing over the past 18 years? Surely, I do things like this every day, many times. Shouldn’t that all count for something?
It should and it does. According to Rabbi Dessler in his book “Strive for Truth,” this explains why it seems parents love their children more than children love their parents:
“We usually think it is love which causes giving because we observe that a person showers gifts and favors on the one he loves. But there is another side to the argument. Giving may bring about love for the same reason that a person loves what he himself has created or nurtured; he recognizes in it a part of himself.” So the more we give, the more we will automatically feel more attached and invested in the relationship and therefore more loving of the object of our affections.
But on second thought, I realized that most of the giving I do in order to upkeep our home isn't done specifically and solely for my husband, and usually not with the conscious thought that I am choosing to express my love for my husband in this act.
So if love really is a choice, do I really choose to love every day? The answer, I had to admit, was not an automatic yes.
We often tend to have a subconscious wish list of how we’d like our marriages to be: more time spent talking, more sharing of feelings, more compliments, no criticism, more affection, less judging. But to whom is this wish list addressed? Usually, our spouse! How many of us go around thinking: if only I could be more loving, more affectionate, more complimentary and warm toward my spouse?
So we are essentially hoping to receive rather than to give!
Perhaps this is why love starts fading when we each start wondering how we can get more out of our marriage, thinking about our expectations, how our spouse can give us more and what we are lacking. Instead of investing and giving, we are starting the taking cycle. The choice to dwell on our expectations of our spouse, then, might be the choice to actively allow the love to stagnate and fade away.
“I always tell couples on their wedding day: be careful, dear ones, to always seek to give pleasure to each other the same way you do right now, and know, that the moment you start having demands of each other, your happiness is on it’s way out.” (Rabbi Dessler, Strive for Truth, Hebrew version, Vol. 1, pg. 39) Love Choices
After this realization, I decided to take a day and be aware of the choices I make throughout the day that involve extending myself to further relationships. It wasn’t always pretty.
I found myself taking the time to call a friend and inquire about the event she had been planning for the last few weeks which had taken place that morning. I wanted her to know I had remembered what she was involved with lately, and that I cared how it turned out.
A few minutes later, my husband called to check in, his daily lunchtime call, and among other things he said: “... and the meeting went really well, thank God”.
“The meeting?" I vaguely remembered something about a meeting, but what was it exactly?
“The meeting with the donor I told you about last night?” Was there a slight flicker of annoyance detected in his voice? I immediately remembered this rather important part of his day and proceeded to react accordingly. But the interchange got me thinking: here I went out of my way to keep in mind the events in my friend’s life and I had not extended the same courtesy to my husband! I should have been the one to call as soon as the meeting was over and see how it went.
We’re all human and can’t always remember everything, but the comparison with the previous conversation made the discrepancy rather obvious.
Then at dinnertime, I quickly threw some hamburgers and hotdogs together and made a salad for the dieters among us, my husband included, feeling quite virtuous about the extra effort involved. Then my husband arrived home and ended up making himself something else because he’s not a big meat-eater and prefers a light dinner. This was all done without any fanfare and would have gone unnoticed had it not been today that I was counting my “loving choices.” I knew my husband doesn’t like hamburgers, but everyone else does, so I gave in to easy convenience and thought the salad was good enough. Well, perhaps it was, but this particular dinner didn’t exactly rank as one of the top ten loving acts toward my husband!
WHY WE DON’T CHOOSE TO LOVE
I can think of a couple of reasons why we don’t choose to love on a more regular basis the one who is most important in our lives.
Taking our spouse for granted:
This is a rather common human failing: we take those constant relationships in our lives for granted and stop investing so much hard work in to them because we figure they’ll always be there. Instead, we can spend our time and energy on others who may not be so generous and accepting. If I forget to call my friend, she may think I don’t care, may not call me for a few days, and things may escalate and cause real damage to the friendship. But my marriage? After so many years, will this kind of slight be a big deal? Of course not.
Invest the time and effort to make one conscious loving choice a day. But then again, it doesn’t create loving feelings and closeness either.
Remember the excitement and love we felt the first few years of our marriage? Well, it might just have something to do with the fact that when a relationship is new, both partners are trying hard to give to each other and build intimacy. They are not yet taking anything for granted.
Want to recapture that starry-eyed intensity? Invest the time and effort to make one conscious loving choice a day. Don’t take your marriage for granted.
Fear of vulnerability:
Another reason is the hesitation to take the first step. We keep thinking the other one should be the first one to show affection, appreciation and acceptance. We have fears of being vulnerable. What if my feelings are not reciprocated? What if I just end up giving and giving and he remains the same ungrateful and taking spouse? If I stop criticizing, she’ll think its ok to behave this way, and continue forever!
We have to realize that all these thoughts and fears are just distractions and rationalizations for not making difficult choices and moving forward:
“The lazy one says: there is a lion outside, I can’t go out” (Proverbs 22:13).
A great marriage requires making constant choices. Our excuses and fears are not realities unless we attribute power to them. If we remind ourselves that our thoughts are just words in our head sent there by our desire to avoid pain at all costs and our urge for comfort and convenience, we will then be free to see reality as it is: no pain no gain. In order to have a wonderful, vibrant, loving marriage, someone has to take the first step, and whoever does will inevitably benefit as a result, as an individual who has made a choice to grow.
As we approach the start of a new year, we have to take stock of our lives and set goals for the future. Achievement in any field requires choice and effort.
We all want to have the perfect marriage of harmony and love, growth and friendship. To have a great marriage, constant choices must be made -- the choice to love, to exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth. Nothing happens on its own. In fact, left on their own, things tend to fall apart and disintegrate, including love, admiration and respect. Without awareness and conscious effort, a once great marriage may just become an okay one.
But when loving choices are made consistently, almost any relationship can be transformed in to a great marriage.
The real tragedy here is that the Obama policies have given strenght to the Israeli political right and the settler enterprise! The settlement movement has never enjoyed so much support as has been generated by Mr. Obama and those who support his Middle-Ease policy. With friends like this... The only greater contributer to the settlement movement has been Hamas with its rockets on Israel. I am forced to ask JStreet, "which side are you on?"
Yoram,
This is a very good point. Unless Mr. Obama addresses the Israeli center in much the same way he appealed to Arab moderates during his speech in Cairo, unless he does this before more Qassams fall on southern Israel, before more land is stolen by squatters, which in turn will create more terrorism, which in turn will result in the theft of more land, etc, etc, the window of oppurtunity will close and the question of "Which side are you on?" will become irrelevant, lost in a miasma of islamic and judaic theo-fascism.
Yored Yam (got bored over at the God Land?), Watch out, or you will embarrass yourself on a larger stage than on the Jewish Journal. The God Blog is home to the ususal gaggle of incoherent space cadets these days even without you, and Brad has mostly gone off to law school. My current chore is dealing with a tag team of Holocaust-denying radical Evangelical Jesus freaks.
I do spend much time elsewhere, which is why I have the larger picture to bring to discussion. In terms of your Aliyah, the term Net-Zero comes to mind, except that it would be less than zero for you. As an inevitable future Yored who was inexplicably not psychologically screened out or washed out of the military, 'Pinhas'; has confessed to unprovoked criminal assault on a minor, removed a born Israeli from Israel and robbed your ancestors from the Jewish future they suffered and died for, I don't think you are in an advice-giving position.
As for settler idealism, there are people camping on the ground, and living in lean-tos and caves to assert their right and wish to live in Judea. But you have other problems with them. Let's see how crazy and profane the Forward will allow you to be.
Whatever Frank,
Stop wasting time and answer the question;
Why is an American Jew from the comfort of his Lazy-Boy, so willing to shed my kids blood for a cause that he's not willing to shed his blood for? Whats in it for you?
Before you slander me again, produce a Pnchas Hoger, a Teudat Zahout and then will have discussion. Until that time, as it reads in my pinchas; Samal, 4324224, Proficient and Exemplary, Honorably Discharged. I served my country.
Stay strong Shoded Yam, I live on a kibbutz 2.7 kms from the Gaza border; the area around the kibbutz received several hundred kassams during the last few years and eight landed within the living area. If I and the other members of the kibbutz can oppose the virulent right-wing fools trying to emulate the victims of Masada, what right have these American "patriots" to call us anti-Israeli, or anti-Semites? Scott and Frank: I made Aliya and served in the Israeli army reserves after a three year tour in the American Army. Until you can say the same thing try a little modesty. The Israeli and Palestinian leaders have had enough time to make peace twenty times over...they obviously need help from a metapelet,(a care taker or nurse for those of you who don't speak Hebrew), to wipe their asses and help them blow their noses. President Obama is just the nurse to do it; he recognizes Bibi's empty rhetoric for what it is, just so much BS. Peace hasn't come in time to spare my kids from serving on the front lines, I can only hope that within the next five years peace can be made in time to save my grandchildren from acting as human shields for the settlers.
Stay strong, Arieh.
As you can see from that New York Times article, we're pushing Obama to do it, with some success.
Yored Yam (got bored over at the God Land?), Watch out, or you will embarrass yourself on a larger stage than on the Jewish Journal. The God Blog is home to the ususal gaggle of incoherent space cadets these days even without you, and Brad has mostly gone off to law school. My current chore is dealing with a tag team of Holocaust-denying radical Evangelical Jesus freaks.
I do spend much time elsewhere, which is why I have the larger picture to bring to discussion. In terms of your Aliyah, the term Net-Zero comes to mind, except that it would be less than zero for you. As an inevitable future Yored who was inexplicably not psychologically screened out or washed out of the military, 'Pinhas'; has confessed to unprovoked criminal assault on a minor, removed a born Israeli from Israel and robbed your ancestors from the Jewish future they suffered and died for, I don't think you are in an advice-giving position.
As for settler idealism, there are people camping on the ground, and living in lean-tos and caves to assert their right and wish to live in Judea. But you have other problems with them. Let's see how crazy and profane the Forward will allow you to be.
Thank you Arieh. Though I did not serve in the American military, both my father and grandfather did. Harry was with the 1st Divison in during the Meuse Argonne offensive in 1918, where he was mustard gassed. My father was a staff sergeant with the 101st Airborne. He participated in the D-Day invasion and was wounded at Bastogne, during an action whereby he recieved a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart. I served in the Chativat HaNachal 1985-1988. I completed Course Tsanchanim / Course Makim and served with Gedood Chamishim for a year in half.
In the end, this is not about who's a better Jew or Zionist. Its about who, if anybody, has the moral right to demand that someone elses kid shed blood and spill blood for a cause that their either not willing or can't shed blood for. And even if Frank et al had served and did possess a Teudat Zahout, they still wouldn't have the moral right to make that demand. It would however give them an understanding of what such a demand might entail in a physical sense, thereby giving them the pause that would be ethically essential before making existential stipulations from the comfort of their living room.
"...I can only hope that within the next five years peace can be made in time to save my grandchildren from acting as human shields for the settlers."
As my Saba used to say; "From your mouth to G-d's ear". May your children and grandchildren be safe and healthy and live a long, peaceful, and prosperous life.
Chag Sameach to You and Your Family
SY
Norman,
Lest I forget amidst all the Sturm und Drang, Chag Sameach to you and your family as well.
SY
Thanks, SY.
SY, please stop using my name in your angry responses. While you are entitled to your opinion, I dont want to have anything to do with you
Arieh, I can understand your frustration and great hope for the Great (not so white) Hope. Halvai; Obama or Barak or Perez, or Hershfield, or Beilin or you or any of us could bring peace. Unfortunately as "Golda" noted; only when the Arab/Muslim world makes the decision and begins to love their children more than they hate us is there a chance for true reconciliation and "peace". The second requirement is that they overcome their inability or unwillingness to accept our legitimate historical claim to ANY of the land between the river & the sea. Only then can they see their way past their belief that we came here from Europe to take their land, by force. Now, why we would want this land? For the gold, oil or vast well watered agricultural potential? NO on that basis we could have done allot better, it’s only that this is our ancestral home that drives us. As long as they see us as thieves they can not rest, surely you can understand that. Tragically Obama's policies are giving the opposite message. This is strengthening every radical in the neighborhood, including Assad and Ya'alon.
BTW I spent part of the 50's in your neighborhood @ Kibbutz Nirim Yoram Moshav Aminadav
With respect to all those who know what the Palestinians want. Until the second intifada we had workers on my kibbutz that has worked with us for decades. Some of them I knew fairly well; we had discussions about most things, families, current events, and how difficult it was in Gaza, (even before Hamas), and how lucky it was that I and my family could live on a kibbutz.
The impression I received from the discussions was that, other than the testosterone blinded youth,(Israeli youth are no different, but that the testosterone is mixed with overheated hormones), the average Palestinian wants what most of us want..to have a decent job, to support his family and be able to pay for a good education for his children.
The average Israeli knows essentially nothing about Palestinian culture and history but is none the-less sure that, "all they understand is force". It may be said of the Likud led government and the true-believer settlers with a good deal more truth.
It is impossible to deny the history of extremist Palestinian guerrilla terror tactics. But Israel now is so much the stronger that, though they may kill and hurt too many Israeli civilians, it is fallaciously stupid to suggest that the State of Israel can be threatened by Palestinian actions.
It is senseless to dwell on the ultimate desires of the "enemy". If Israel can now live peacefully with German citizens, there is no reason in Heaven or Hell that we cannot look forward to the same with Palestinians, if being so much stronger, we can find the way to help them make their lives better without the usual insults and humiliations they are used to hear from us.
Once again Frank,
You don't live in Israel, You don't serve in Zahal, your children are not going to be drafted. You have no skin in the game. Whats your interest?
So Hadar Susskind gets insights on his new job from his 7 year old? Didn't the less than esteemed disgraced ex-pres and hardly an Israel supporter Jimmy Carter get his ideas on nuclear war from his daughter Amy?
Hopefully this will be a one-term president (although we have three + long years to go), then J Street can become irrelevant.
What was your combat service, Dave?
We've already heard this wisdom, Dave. Got anything new?
As an IDF veteran myself, I appreciate the concern of Jews in the diaspora. I cannot speak for Frank, but I suspect that he wishes Israel well and hopes that we will not have to fight a war every 2 years. I too am leary of Tel Hai type experiments, in which Trumpeldor allowed Arabs into the village of Tel Hai in 1920, and the Arabs promptly butchered the village including Trumpeldor himself. We know what Shoded Yam doesnt like (AISH, Frank), but assuming that Shoded Yam is a supporter of Israel, he doesnt tell us what he does like. Norman is not a supporter of Israel, but is embarassed by Israel and wishes that it would disappear, and thus doesnt need to be involved in this discussion. Shana tova to all
Nimrod Tal, you are a liar when you say that I am not a supporter of Israel and wish it would disappear.
I am not a supporter of a government that allows its soldiers to kill women and children when they are carrying white flags. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfT4QrqOnYM Do you?
Now the UN report, written by a man whose Zionist credentials are better than yours, has shown that the IDF routinely killed innocent women and children carrying white flags.
Yes, I am embarrassed by Israel. American Jews were embarrassed by America when American soldiers were killing children in Vietnam.
Aren't you embarrassed by Israel when Israeli soldiers are killing children in Gaza? Germans are embarrassed by Germany. Are you less moral than the Germans?
At any rate, my purpose here is not to debate you. My purpose here is to demonstrate to American Jews who read the Forward that they are right to be embarrassed by Israel, that they should speak up against it, and that our government should comply with its own laws and not give Israel money that will pay for the murder of children and for the Settlements.
Norman thanks for justifying my point. 90% of your article spouts Israel hatred. We Israelis dont enjoy when Palestinian children are killed. However, where was your voice when Sderot was being shelled. You had 8 years to speak up. You didnt. You are simply not a well wisher for Israel and deny its right to self defence. You are entitled to your hatred of Israel. I am only glad that you werent active during WWII
"... I cannot speak for Frank, but I suspect that he wishes Israel well and hopes that we will not have to fight a war every 2 years"
Nonsense. Frank cares about Israelis insofar as they serve his bloodlust and Holocaust revenge fantasies. As far as war is concerned Thats exactly what he wants. As a Meir Pail once said, "Israelis are Mars, The God of War for American Jews". And if you can't speak for Frank, than don't. You end up sounding just as facil as he does.
"..We know what Shoded Yam doesnt like (AISH, Frank), but assuming that Shoded Yam is a supporter of Israel, he doesnt tell us what he does like"
Not that its relevant, but think the opposite of AISH and Frank and you'd be getting warm.
Nimrod Tal, for the record, you do not condemn Israel for these killings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfT4QrqOnYM
If it is true, I would condemn those who did it, but I await independent verification. I dont believe it to be a general policy of Israel to kill Palestinian civilians, unlike the German policy of killing Jewish civilians. Of course, for Norman, no Jew is a civilian
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