Why Straight People Go to Gay Synagogues
— and What We Can Learn From Them
By Jay Michaelson
In the next few weeks, gay and lesbian synagogues and Jewish organizations will be marching in New York, San Francisco and other cities around the country as part of gay pride parades. But many of the people marching won’t be gay themselves: More and more “gay” or GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) synagogues have significant percentages of “straight allies” among their membership — in some cases, even majorities. Although there are no precise statistics quantifying this trend, it is unmistakable to anyone who visits one of these congregations, and, in an era of shrinking synagogue affiliation, prompts the question of why these institutions are growing among a population they do not even try to serve. Maybe all of us have something to learn here.
I’ve visited many of these communities in my job as a GLBT religious activist, and I’ve spoken to many of the straight-identified people who take active roles, including leadership roles, within them. My reflections on this trend are anecdotal, but I’ve seen at least three major factors in play, all of which have something useful to teach the wider community.
First, because of their community bonds and shared histories of exclusion, GLBT synagogues are often warmer and more welcoming than your average synagogue in the suburbs. These are communities made up of people who have felt, at times, actively excluded from the Jewish world, perhaps as all Jews used to feel when they were excluded from the mainstream of America. GLBT people have experienced rejection, and so GLBT synagogues work hard to make up for it. As a result, having spent time in dozens of synagogues as a teacher or scholar in residence, I can report that gay synagogues are among the most proactive in terms of inclusion — both on
the formal, structural level (committees, policies, language, accessibility) and the tachlis, practical level (saying hello to new people on Friday night).
What we have recently learned, thanks to a study commissioned by Jewish Mosaic: The National Center for Sexual & Gender Diversity, is that inclusion is a value that transcends subject matter. It was fascinating to listen to panelists discuss the study last April at the JCC in Manhattan, because the GLBT experience was almost identical to the multi-faith experience, and quite similar to what folks from other marginalized groups (for example, Jews of color) have reported for years. Whether it’s gays or multi-faith families or multiracial families or Jews from different economic backgrounds, inclusion is inclusion is inclusion. Synagogues that get it, get it — and those that don’t, don’t.
What the study also found is that policies alone don’t do it: An “open door policy” will not be enough when people are used to having doors slammed in their faces. To be truly inclusive requires proactive steps, like providing visibility for marginalized groups (committees, special programs), explicitly welcoming them in synagogue publications and Web sites, and providing sensitivity training for staff and congregants. For example, please don’t ask African Americans, “So, are you really Jewish?” Yes, this actually happens.
Gay synagogues have been at the forefront of all of this. And now, rather like Toyota reaping the benefits of its hybrid car technology, they’ve created a valuable commodity. The fact is, everyone likes to feel included, not just minorities. Especially outside New York, less-affiliated Jews have felt excluded for many, many reasons — not knowing Hebrew, not feeling religious enough — and what they find at most gay synagogues is a community that welcomes them warmly and effectively, with fewer judgments, raised eyebrows or grumbles about political correctness.
A second reason that gay synagogues are attracting so many straight members is that they are voluntary communities. Their members are people who have every reason to leave the Jewish world and never come back. They — we — have been scorned, vilified, marginalized, reduced to sexual beings, and analogized to perverts and deviants and worse. And that’s just by our rabbis. Even today, there are foundations and federations to which my GLBT not-for-profit organization is discreetly advised not to apply (rather like Jews were advised not to apply to certain country clubs). Yet despite all this, you can walk into a gay synagogue and find dozens, or hundreds, of people filling the pews and singing at the top of their lungs.
This is inspiring stuff, and if you haven’t seen it, I suggest you check it out for yourself. Straight people have told me that they feel the most joy of Judaism in gay synagogues, precisely because the joy is hard earned. These are people who really, really want to be there — and that is immediately noticeable, regardless of one’s sexuality or gender.
Third, straight people join gay synagogues because there’s a refreshing irony to GLBT religious expression. Yes, we understand that for most of Jewish history, Leviticus was read as anti-gay, and that to many people, “gay (religious) Jew” is an oxymoron. But we’re doing it anyway. This means that most gay synagogues approach Jewish ritual and text with a little more critical distance — even a sense of humor. This is deeply relaxing.
Sure, there are plenty of pitched battles at GLBT ritual committees, and plenty of Orthodox GLBT Jews who are righteously uptight about legal minutiae. This comes with the territory. But in general, my straight friends and I have found that queer Judaism is, by nature, just a little more self-aware than the norm. In every gay synagogue I’ve been to, there’s an understanding that Jewish tradition is not just available off the shelf, but must be reinvented, re-appropriated and renewed.
Obviously, these values are not limited to GLBT communities. Nowadays, everyone’s trying to “reinvent tradition,” from Jewish Renewal to Modern Orthodoxy. Notwithstanding this rhetoric, however, countless Jewish communities still nourish remnants of a much older model — the one that says it’s our way or the highway. It’s outdated, it’s alienating… and it’s alive and well in many congregations, across the denominational spectrum. Yet such a fundamentalist attitude would be ludicrous in a community creating new ritual to celebrate gender transition, or new liturgy for becoming an adoptive co-parent. And as with inclusion and inspiration, this healthy sense of self-awareness is attractive to Jews regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
It’s not that gay synagogues are somehow more enlightened about inclusion, inspiration, irony and innovation than straight ones are; it’s that they have had no choice but to develop them. By necessity, they’ve nurtured values and practices that are now hot commodities in the Jewish community at large. Unintentionally, they have become laboratories of the Jewish future.
Today, gay synagogues are at a crossroads. Many are becoming irrelevant, as mainstream synagogues learn how to include GLBT people, and their gifts, more effectively. Many others have become victims of their own success and have lost their distinctive gay identities as more and more straight people have joined.
Yet now is also a time of flowering, and of harvest. The two largest GLBT synagogues in America, New York’s Congregation Beth Simchat Torah and San Francisco’s Congregation Sha’ar Zahav, each have recently published gorgeous new siddurim, each of which is a font of innovative liturgy and ritual (not to mention a sociology thesis in waiting). The leaders of these institutions have become influential political activists, particularly in the area of same-sex marriage. And growing gay synagogues around the country are experiencing the same growing pains as ordinary synagogues: breakaway minyans, capital campaigns, you name it.
But I want to end this column far from any sanctuary, in a warehouse space in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. I was there a few weeks ago to see Athens Boys Choir, aka Harvey Katz, a transgender Jewish hip-hop artist who was debuting his new video, “EZ Heeb.” Katz was great: hilarious, irreverent and talented. And what I suddenly realized was that all of the same factors I’ve just described about gay synagogues — inclusivity, inspiration, innovation, irony — were in sharp relief at the show, as well.
The crowd was not your usual pack of yuppie Jews. It was (dare I say it?) a rainbow of gender expression and levels of Jewish affiliation, but — or maybe as a result — it was a warm and friendly audience. Katz had every reason to be bitter, but his songs celebrated his Jewishness: He claimed it, he owned it, he flaunted it. And yet he never seemed to fall into it; there was always some camp sensibility in play, from the video footage of his bat mitzvah party to a transgender man “talkin’ bout my bris/before the first kiss.” No fake authenticity here, thanks. Katz was an outsider and insider at once, and as such was an ideal emissary of Jewish culture and identity. Which, of course, he never set out to be.
Gay synagogues weren’t founded to attract straight congregants with an inclusive, voluntary and healthily ironic approach to Jewish life. But they’ve done it. Maybe others could as well.
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Sadly, some GLBT shuls are not quiet as friendly as the author would make us believe. At the one in NY for example no one will bother speaking to a stranger other than the greeters giving out the siddurim. During coffee hour, I've only seen older men approaching good looking younger men to chat them up. It's really no different than mainstream shuls in NYC where people stick with their own group and most rabbis don't greet stangers. Jay has obviously had a much different experience than many of us. Sarah
Out here in galuta d'galuta (Portland Oregon) our congregation has lots of out gay couples and the idea of a special "gay synagogue" seems strange. Why would you need that? Must be something from olden times.
I think you're overcharacterizing gay shuls and underestimating traditional congregations when it comes to being welcoming and joyous. In addition, I think you are unfair to synagogues that seek to maintain traditional forms of observance and worship. I belong to an egalitarian Conservative synagogue in a New Jersey suburb that manages to be both traditional and welcoming. It can be done. That said, however, I agree fully that being welcoming is more than just making feel at home those who find their own way inside our doors - we have to go outside and find them and let them know how welcome they will be and what we can offer them. And this is something every synagogue can and should do. We're all in this together.
The article makes the whole project sound pretty social and secular. Is actual Judaism part of the agenda?
The article makes the whole project sound pretty social and secular. Is actual Judaism part of the agenda?
Actually there is a misunderstanding about the wording in the old books of the bible which some allege G-d is against homosexuality when in fact there is no mention whatsoever of homosexuality in these books which has led many to become prejudges against such practices and alienating gays and their supporters to attend services in the synagogues. But I can well understand why straight persons would feel more comfortable in a gay synagogue as opposed to a straight one because one would not find the up tightness of being bias and prejudges amongst the congregation when the one purpose is to go and worship G-d and find inspiration and leave happy and full of g-d within one's soul rather than the stigma of hate and mistrust.
Quote Eagle Ashcroft: "Actually there is a misunderstanding about the wording in the old books of the bible which some allege G-d is against homosexuality when in fact there is no mention whatsoever of homosexuality in these books..."
Quote, Leviticus 18:22 (From the Stone Edition of the Tanach)"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman, it is an abomination."
The footnote adds: "The harshness with which the Torah describes these perversions testifies to the repugnance in which G-d holds their practitioners.
If that doesn't prohibit a homosexual act, I'm not sure what would. I seriously doubt the term "homosexual" did not exist during the days of Moses. To say that "homosexuality" per se is not an affront to Ha Shem, to me requires a dramatic leap of illogic.
The second sentence of the last paragraph should read: "I seriously doubt the term "homosexual" existed during the days of Moses."
What an incredibly accurate description and analysis of my gay shul. Lucky me! Thank you, Jay, for validating my reality!
I'm a member of a GLBT synagogue in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, the third oldest int he country, currently observing its 35th anniversary. Jay is right in many ways about the general welcoming feeling of our synagogue. We, tho, have not had tons of non-gay members; a few, most likely those who have gay children. While we are a cross of different Jewish denominations, we all share the feeling of having felt unwelcome and not belonging in our other Jewish communities. This is also true of many of our members who had lived a straight life and raised children in a Jewish environment. Once they came out in a more welocming social cutlure, they no longer felt welcome in a straight synagogue. We as GLBT Jews are intent on being Jewish, living a Jewish life, savoring the warm, cultural, spiritual and familial aspects of our Judaism. The availability of a GLBT synagogue is what allowed many of us to return to our Jewish roots.
Jay, you've been drinking too much of your own kiddush wine. I've been, many times, to each of the two largest gay shuls you mention. Haven't seen any particular warmth or welcoming to newcomers. In fact, I've found them both very 'clubby' and ingrown. If you want a truly joyous, welcoming shul, I suggest Chochmat HaLev in Berkeley CA or a lively Reconstructionist shul in your own area.
I agree with many of the comments made. The author/columnist certainly paints a rosy picture and suggests other shuls are not welcoming, understanding, etc. - you need to visit more shuls because that's just not the case.
There definitely is a secular angle to this article. Still don't quite understand the point of the following sentence, "gay synagogues are attracting so many straight members is that they are voluntary communities."
My opinion, just an article to push an agenda given the current climate regarding "gay marriage."
Eliot Abrams cogent description of the post-Diaspora disappearance of American Jewry is highlighted in this latest fringe description.
American Jews disappear into "Buddhism," radical secular politics, and assorted "gay" causes at an alarming rate. At this rate of tribal suicide, who needs to worry about anti-Semites?
Some demographers privately say that American Jews have the highest percentage of homosexuals of any ethnic group in the US.
So why not "synagogues" like the ones Michaelson takes such joy in? Judaism is such a demanding religion for a stiff-necked people... why not flee from the Law and celebrate license? Does anyone still care?
Eliot Abrams cogent description of the post-Diaspora disappearance of American Jewry is highlighted in this latest fringe description.
American Jews disappear into "Buddhism," radical secular politics, and assorted "gay" causes at an alarming rate. At this rate of tribal suicide, who needs to worry about anti-Semites?
Some demographers privately say that American Jews have the highest percentage of homosexuals of any ethnic group in the US.
So why not "synagogues" like the ones Michaelson takes such joy in? Judaism is such a demanding religion for a stiff-necked people... why not flee from the Law and celebrate license? Does anyone still care?
Reading through the comments, I now remember why you would need a gay synagogue. Ewwwwwwww. I forgot there were people like this...
Oh well, pay no mind to altercockers who have nothing better to do with their time than post on the Forward about "perversions" and "abominations" and how the world is generally going to hell.
I checked with HaShem and found out that gay couples were AOK. Come on out to Portland Oregon and take your pick of several "for everybody" congregations where gay couples are out and life is for living and loving, not kvetching and hating.
Eliot Abrams cogent description of the post-Diaspora disappearance of American Jewry is highlighted in this latest fringe description.
American Jews disappear into "Buddhism," radical secular politics, and assorted "gay" causes at an alarming rate. At this rate of tribal suicide, who needs to worry about anti-Semites?
Some demographers privately say that American Jews have the highest percentage of homosexuals of any ethnic group in the US.
So why not "synagogues" like the ones Michaelson takes such joy in? Judaism is such a demanding religion for a stiff-necked people... why not flee from the Law and celebrate license? Does anyone still care?
The beautiful photo of Rabbi Lisa Edwards and her wife Tracy Moore of Beth Chayim Chadashim in Los Angeles are dear old friends of mine - and I am a former member of that synagogue one of the oldest GLBT synagogues in the US - I now belong to another GLBT synagogue in West Hollywood - Congregation Kol Ami - yes we have two in L.A. - where our amazing Rabbi Denise Eger an out lesbian was just elected as the first woman and first out lesbian President of the Pacific Region Board of Rabbis - consisting of Reform, Conservative and Orthodox Rabbis. Most of our straight members do not have gay children or some no children at all - there are singles and couples who love our Rabbi and have made friends in our shul. My best friend - who I met at our synagogue - is a straight woman who shopped the city before becoming a member because she felt welcomed and could study with one of the best teachers in the country. We always hire a student Rabbi and most of them have been straight. To those nay sayers and those with snide remarks about the level of Judaism practiced at these two and other LGBT synagogues and the need for them - I say stand in my shoes - the phrase contempt prior to investigation comes to mind - it was at my LGBT synagogue that I studied first with Rabbi Edwards and learned the solid foundation of Judaism that I never learned as a child - and it was with Rabbi Eger - that I first learned Hebrew and then studied with 2 straight and 6 gay other LGBT members and became a Bat Mitzvah in 2006 at age 60 - it was that same year that 29 of our members traveled to Israel with Rabbi Eger (my first time) for two weeks of study, travel, and fun - it was at Congregation Kol Ami that I had the distinct privilege of becoming the first President of our sisterhood - WOKA - to be accepted lovingly and become members of the 100 year old Women of Reform Judaism - an international organization. At High Holy Days we fill a large sanctuary in a straight church - just as the New York LGBT synagogue fills the Javitz center because there are so many who wish to worship in the company of LGBT brothers and sisters. The short memory of some and the ignorance of others who shared their opinions here might be reminded of the not too distant 80's during the AIDS epidemic beginnings - when we were not welcomed any place and our President Reagan never mentioned the word while in office. I remember "shul shopping" here in Los Angeles - attending many synagogues - all advertising their welcoming ways - I was never once welcomed and when my father died and I called the Rabbi of the synagogue I had begun to attend - happened to be straight - he told me when I called and asked for his help that if I wasn't a member there was nothing he could do for me - I have seen people of all races and genders welcomed into the fold of both of our LGBT synagogues here in LA - I have watched as my lebian sisters and gay brothers marry and have families and teach their children in loving, safe environments that it's okay to come from the families they come from -and btw I have attended both the NY and SF LGBT synagogues mentioned in the article. At both places on several different visits, I was not only welcomed by both men and women but went to eat afterwards at both places by invitation from friendly congregants that I had never met previously. It's not easy being an outsider of any kind, and sometimes it's more welcoming to be with your own. I am proud to be a part of the Jewish LGBT community - a religious, social and socially conscious community that recently has participated in all issues from Gay Marriage, abortion rights and vigil for Dr. Tiller to marching this Sunday for those being persecuted in Darfur. Unlike those who never welcome us, we welcome you and wish you Shabbat Shalom.
Kikesters,a never ending display of immorality, so what is anti-Semitism?
Kikesters,a never ending display of immorality, so what is anti-Semitism?
Thank you for publishing this article. I have never read, heard or seen a better explanation for why my husband and I -- who consider ourselves "straight but not narrow" -- were married at Congregation Sha'ar Zahav, SF's gay synagogue, and why we are choosing to raise our children in this warm, vibrant, socially-conscious community.
We belong to a warm, dominantly straight Reformed synagogue in ISrael. As a gay couple we have experienced both the warmth of acceptance by many of the members and being called "an abomination in the sight of God" in this congregation by a person who has gone on to serve on the synagogue council. The experience has shown us how fragile the situation remains for gay people within a dominantly straight community. I can not imagine a straight couple ever being called an abomination in a gay schul and maybe that is the difference between the two kinds of schulls.
Quoting Mike: "I checked with HaShem and found out that gay couples were AOK."
I wonder, does this guy frequently talk with Hashem? Is he the only one who does, or do all the other residents of his sanitarium have similar conversations? Do all Oregonians share this ability or is it just Mike?
The point of my original post, BTW, was to counter Eagle Ashcroft's assertion about the term "homosexuality" not appearing in the Tanach (or "the old books"). It would be interesting if some scholar of the language of the Tanach would answer the question "What was the ancient term for a 'homosexual' at the time the Tanach was formalized (in writing)? If there was no equivalent, how were these people described?
Apparently some peoples' defensive posture for their lifestyles prevents them from not presuming those who disagree with them are automatically haters of said lifestyles. Nothing could be further from the truth. In their own way, they are just as bigoted as those they tar with that brush.
Sign me: An Alte Cocker who is not a homophobe.
I found New York's gay synagogue to be rather unfriendly, actually - sure, everyone is welcome, but nobody is welcoming!
I attend an orthodox synagogue in Brooklyn (not in any of the orthodox ghettoes) that has several out gay men as respected and beloved members. I admit that for a New York City Orthodox shul, ours is fairly unique. Everyone is welcomed, irrespective of his or her prior knowledge about Judaism, knowledge of Hebrew, or level of observance.
Since it is an orthodox shul, men and women sit separately and all the "action" is on the men's side of the divider, and only males over the age of 13 whose mothers were Jewish or undergone certifiably orthodox conversions are called up for aliyot - but the joy and fervor of the congregants is palpable. No one is there because they "have" to be - we are there because we want to be. If anyone feels uncomfortable around gay guys, I have yet to experience it - in fact, people are so nice to me that I always assumed that they didn't know about me. I was the one who was misjudging them!
There is no need in our shul for a gay man or lesbian to feel that they must relinquish their treasured traditional observances to be accepted for who they are: Jews.
As far as reconciling my "lifestyle" with my "religion", I am confident that the Sovereign of the Universe accepts my prayers with abundant mercy and love, despite the fact that I am not as careful as one ought to be about loshon hora, which many Traditional rabbis through the centuries have equated with murder, idolatry AND sexual impropriety.
Oh yeah - I'm gay too, but God, who made me, understands how, why, and what that's all about.
A Jew is a Jew is a Jew period...regarless of his sexual choice. The important thing is to daven and daven and daven.
This straight woman and her husband of 39 years have been members of Beth Chayim Chadashim of Los Angeles [first LGBT shul in the world] for over 10 years, and I have served on its board of directors for 5 of them. We joined, and have stayed involved, for three reasons: 1. The congregation is truly a community that is welcoming and there for each other, perhaps because for some, their families have rejected them. 2. The level of observance and adult education is phenomenally high; these folks joined a shul for their own spiritual satisfaction, not because they need to get their kids bar-mitzvahed, and it shows in their high participation at services and classes. 3. Rabbi Lisa Edwards [in the photo] is amazing: learned, compassionate, gives great sermons, wonderful sense of humor - in short, everything one could want in a rabbi.
Maybe the fact that the members and rabbis of L.A.'s GLBT shuls are much more welcoming to newcomerss than their counterparts in NY is partially due to the fact that L.A. is a friendlier place. The cold atmosphere at CBST has been brought to the attention of the rabbis and board members but for some reason they have chosen not to deal with this violation of the commandment to welcome the stranger. It's especially upsetting (and ironic)since so many of the members there and one of the rabbis have found this in the straight world. Miryam
What's a gay synagogue? Is it the opposite of a straight synagogue? This makes no sense. There are only Jewish synagogues.
Al Eastman's quote: Quote, Leviticus 18:22 (From the Stone Edition of the Tanach)"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman, it is an abomination." Actually this verse is misleading in today's terminology as it means "a man shall not lie in the bed of a woman' (during her time of the month)because it was considered unclean.
Our bible has gone from one language to the other to come to us in today's society chopped up, parts missing and words added because of the meanings of one language to the other are not always the same. Because of this many persons today do not understand what the bible says or does not say. Although I was born to a Jewish mother I was raised a Christian because of my father's roots and went to a seminary for six years majoring in early history of religion, the bible and the meaning of words from one language to the other. I am now an ordained minister, but respect my Jewish roots although I've never been to any sort of Jewish services I do know many of my relatives who are practicing the Jewish religion agree with me on how our modern bible came to be translated and passages either missing, omitted or changed entirely because of the language differences. G-d certainly would not create millions upon millions of both homosexual humans and animals and then condemn them any more than he would create the ocean only to condemn it, but man on the other hand would and has through his misunderstanding of G-d's word.
How could God be against homosexuals and lesbians when He created them?
@Al Eastman - Thank you for posting the only rational comment.
Torah specifically prohibits homosexuality, just as it specifically prohibits bestiality in the next sentence.
We live in a permissive society, so goyim, and non-religious Jews, can do as they please. But there is no reason to go to a synagogue, if you do not believe in, or adhere (to the best of your ability) to Torah's laws.
Mitch
am i gay too ?
My question is: will the fervour and excitement the members of gay shuls feel for Judaism be transmitted to the next generation? I'm not being sarcastic or homophobic; just remember, traditional shuls were all started by people who felt excluded from mainstream society and who had a committment to Judaism.
I work for a large North American mainstream synagogue, and the adult children of the leaders in our shul are not terribly interested. These are people who came to shul with their parents and had warm and loving Jewish homes. But most of them would rather take their kids to hockey practice than Shabbat services. How will gays shuls weather this trend in the long term? What really makes them more special than the rest of us?
Eagle Ashcroft - Your assumption is that one needs a translation of the Torah. Jews have always studied the Torah in its original language. Studying the Torah through translation in the Diaspora means that Jewish life is a break with the Jewish past
I found Mike's comments a little distressing: come to Oregon, where all is enlightment. He lacks historical perspective. At much harder time, brave people in UNenlightened New York, Chicago, LA, and SF started these holy congregations. The gay people in Oregon would not all be out, and the straight people all accepting were it not for the background work. (and, you mostly aren't from Oregon to begin with)
It's distressing to read some of the negative (homophobic) comments from so-called religious Jews. I would say to these people, you advocate strict adherence to the letter of the law, but you completely disregard the spirit of the law. Shame on you. Judaism is arguably the most loving, tolerant contemporary Western religion in existence, in spite of the presence of certain homophobic, narrow-minded bigots.
@Mitch
Even if it is your understanding of the Tanakh's words that homosexual behavior is disapproved of by HaShem, I find it astounding that you would think that it is at all Jewish to basically say, "You cannot fulfill one of the mitzvot, you should fulfill any of them." Somebody needs to head back to yeshiva!
It is by no means surprising that heterosexual people join "gay" congregations just to be welcomed. Our congregations, nationwide, are generally "run" by miniscule cliques of self appointed elitists who seek to establish oligarchies designed to give a few control over the congregation to the exclusion of everyone else. Furthermore, we never greet anyone or make any effort to welcome newcomers. In fact, even old members are usually excluded from all committees, the board of directors and all offices. In short, only eight percent of Jews attend a Shabbat service every week because they do not want to be humiliated if they come to "shul".
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